The Better Half - Consulting Services

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Our intimate relationships can be one of the greatest sources of joy and fulfilment in life. Our sense of identity, belonging and connection is very much related to relationships with those we love. When conflict arises in our relationships, it can feel like our world is turned upside down. Couples I work with often talk about feeling 'stuck' in patterns of relating which are painful and deeply unsatisfying. When you are stuck in these patterns it can be hard to see a way out and a sense of despair can set in.

Couple counselling can help you begin to see the patterns that are not meeting your needs and find new ways of relating that can help you grow individually and as a couple.

We learn about how to be in relationships as a child, in the family we grew up in. In every family there are messages and habits about how to relate that are set down in the early years.When we grow up we very often we repeat the patterns we learned as a child. What worked for us as a child, may not work for us as an adult. Often we repeat patterns that didn't work for us in childhood, because they are the only way we know how to be in a relationship.

An important part of couple counselling is learning to understand the messages and habits we may have inherited from the family we grew up in, and learn new more satisfying relationship skills which can help us realise our potential.

Some of the issues couples bring to counselling are:

• Difficulty communicating and feeling their partner doesn't really hear what they are saying
• Feeling unable to ask for what they want and need from their relationship
• One partner is always wanting connection and time together and the other always seems to be distancing
• Issues over jealousy and possessiveness
• Different parenting styles, leading to constant arguing over the kids
• Step family issues
• No sex or different levels of sexual drive
• The impact of addictions on the relationship
• All work and no play

Many couples I see find that soon after getting married conflicts begin to surface and it begins to feel like the 'honeymoon is over'. If you are having this experience, you are not alone. The commitment to marriage is one of the most important life cycle stages in your life. Going through a major life change can bring to the surface issues that can have a profound impact on your relationship. 

It can lead to conflict. An important point to remember is that conflict in itself is not a problem, in fact it's normal. How you deal with the conflict in your relationship is the key. When you are in the middle of conflict it can be hard to see a way forward. Maybe you keep trying the same solutions that aren't working. Wedding counseling provides the structure, support and advice to help you understand how you can strengthen your emotional bond and work things through.

Coming for wedding counseling doesn’t mean your relationship issues are any worse than what other couples experience. Seeking support from a trained counsellor does mean that rather than suffering and making do, you are motivated to improve your relationship. That's a great place to start and a lot of good can come from that.

Preparing for Marriage

Premarital counselling is a great way to prepare for getting married whether you are getting married for the first time or making a new start. Premarital counselling is a form of relationship counselling looking at hopes, fears, expectations around getting married.

Give yourself the chance to :

• Create a firm foundation for dealing with arguments and differences
• Understand what each other is bringing to the relationship
• Understand each other’s needs more clearly
• Appreciate what you bring to the relationship as a man and as a woman
• Have a safe space to explore your expectations of each other
• Instep families learn how to deal with the pull of different loyalties and demands of forming a new family with step-children

I ask you questions about each other to help explore hopes, fears, concerns about your relationship and your expectations of marriage.

I don't offer a structured programme lasting a set number of sessions. Instead we explore what comes up and see where it takes us. 

Usually the first session is a useful exploration of how things are going, a chance to express the stress of arranging a wedding and to get some reassurance - is it normal we are arguing so much over the wedding or other things! Is it Ok that we don't argue at all? In the first session we get clear what areas to focus on and what you both need. Typically couples come for 1-4 sessions sometimes longer.

Many couples I work with come to relationship counselling in the hope of working through feelings arising by the discovery of an affair or betrayal.

Trust is at the very foundation of intimate relationships. It takes time to build trust, and in a moment it can be shattered. The discovery of an affair or betrayal turns a couples world upside down. Very strong feelings of shock, anger and guilt come between partners. For many, the question of whether they can ever trust their partner again must be addressed.  How to rebuild trust is at the core of the crisis in the relationship.

The reasons people have affairs, keep secrets and betray the trust of their partners is complex and varies with each person. A lot depends on personal circumstances, individual needs and the state of the relationship. Very often an affair happens because there was something between the couple that couldn't be spoken about.  Couples I work with wonder if their relationship can survive the impact of the affair.  A betrayal changes a relationship profoundly.  In my experience working through the painful feelings surrounding the affair and beginning to understand what led to it, can strengthen the bond between people. This is not easy and professional support from a counsellor experienced in working with betrayals of trust can be a vital source of support as the couple moves forward in their lives together.  

In my work with couples I provide a safe, structured environment where you can begin to:

• Make sense of what happened
• Ask and honestly answer questions
• Work through painful feelings
• Begin to understand and grieve the impact the betrayal has had on the relationship
• Talk through concerns about trust and how to move forward
• Rebuild connection

If you are in a relationship and are looking for support and guidance on issues between you and your partner, you may find couples counselling to be the most effective way of addressing your relationship issues. Think of a relationship as a dance and the way you and your partner interact as steps in that dance. If the steps aren't helping the dance flow and you are 'stepping on each others toes' you need to find new steps that work for both of you. The best way to discover those new steps is to explore your options together.

However there are times when you may prefer to explore relationship issues through individual counselling. It may be that at this time your partner is not ready to begin counselling and you want to find ways you as an individual can meet the challenges of your relationship. 

You may not be in a relationship at present but want to have time to reflect on past relationships and how your experiences from the past are effecting the way you feel about relationships and your willingness to enter into new relationships.

You may be grieving the loss of an intimate relationship and need the support of a professional counsellor to help you understand and manage all the feelings you are experiencing around that loss.

Individual counselling can be a rich and rewarding experience where you are able to explore your thoughts and feelings in a supportive and caring environment.

Family counselling is an approach to understanding and  treating relationship problems by working with the whole family, rather than with individuals. In my work with whole families, we focus on exploring and understanding each family member's feelings, thoughts and  ways of being in the family, within the context of the family.

There is a lot of evidence to show that working through relationship  problems, with the whole family, is a very effective way of finding  solutions to family problems. While it is true that many of our problems can have their roots in family relationships, it is also true that the  solutions to many of our problems are to be found in resolving problems within our families.

Every family has resources that can be harnessed to help find solutions to family problems. When you are in the middle of a  problem, it can be difficult to identify and connect with the resources already available to you. As a family therapist I can help families  identify and reconnect with family strengths that can lead to solutions to family problems.

Some of the issues families bring to family therapy are:

• School difficulties
• Child and adolescent problems
• Step family conflicts
• Marital issues
• Divorce
• Bereavement
• Illness in the family